What Women Can Learn From Men
I love men. I think they’re fabulous. And as I’ve matured I’ve discovered I can even learn things from them from time to time.
One of the many differences between men and women is that men seem to be able to give people the benefit of the doubt more easily and more readily than women. Have you ever noticed this?
I know of a guy whose friend had borrowed his car one night and got so drunk he forgot where he parked it. When he told the guy he’s lost his car, he didn’t seem to get too upset.
Later, when I heard what happened I couldn’t believe it. I asked if the guy was furious about it. You know what he said?
“I’ve known ________ for a long time and I know he’s a good guy. He’s just having a hard time right now.”
And here’s a difference between men and women: Men bring context to a situation in a way that women do not. If a man does something to upset a woman it’s as if their entire relationship history doesn’t matter. In that moment she will be upset, angry, non-trusting, and a host of other things.
Then they have to process it and, inevitably, the man has to prove he’s trustworthy again through a series of mysterious steps until the woman feels better.
Remember, I am a woman and I think women are fabulous. I would simply like to suggest that we women learn something from men by trying the “benefit of the doubt” approach. This is easy to do when you bring context to a situation by remembering your history with a person, not just how they are in the moment.
I’ve tried it and what I’ve learned is that it requires a degree of self-esteem and trust. Esteem that you are loved enough that your man isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you, and trust that he hasn’t miraculously turned into a goon over-night.
I do know that when I give my man the benefit of the doubt it has a profound impact on him and we resolve any issues quickly and lovingly. I admit, it’s not “natural” for me and I have to do some internal work reminding some part of myself of the context of our relationship - the time we’ve been together and the fact that he has never been anything but willing to be loving and supportive.
Women, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, give this article to your man and ask him what he thinks. I bet it will lead to some really great conversation and self-knowledge.
I think many, many women could learn a lot from giving others the benefit of the doubt, not just their men. Women, we should give each other the benefit of the doubt as well. I think our friendships would be stronger, our lives much healthier, and we would become more secure and strong as a result.
Comments
Comment from Jim Galasyn
Time May 12, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Men: One mood, all the time.
Comment from sadee
Time May 12, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Great comments gentlemen.
Jim, I could write a whole other post on your comment. I think men just have, shall we say, “more subtle” moods. In comparison (to women) they are barely noticeable, but individually they are pretty apparent.
Women just need to pay close attention to you fellas.
Comment from Jen
Time May 14, 2009 at 2:54 am
I wonder - how trust and faith played in your childhood or early years. With friends, I’m more aligned with trust first, until burned. I’ve found over time, that the women that burn me - (1) should likely have not been in my life at all or (2) we just outgrew each other. I do consider myself a very private and shielded person. Once I “let” you in, I trust whole-heartedly. I would think, yeah - she’s having a rough time and that’s why my car isn’t back.
Or - referencing my male spouse - I’m much more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. This has not always been the case with men. I used to date guys that were not worthy of my trust at all. I made bad choices. So I’ve had to learn to overcome that from a different kind of intimacy.
Now - I would NOT say this applies to all the sisterhood. There are too many bad examples out there, too many women that are more manipulative and play a game that gives us a bad name. Maybe that is the image we need to overcome?
Comment from sadee
Time May 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Thanks for the post Jen.
It sounds like you feel that context is, at its core, about trust.
David Deida in “Way of the Superior Man” talks about trust between men and women quite a bit and has some interesting things to say.
While I definitely know there is a personal growth/psychological component to it…how do I say this? …
I think there are ways we are wired and ways we are all just people. I think at the core of every human are common factors, like trust and love. But I think until we get to that core and live from that core there seem to be some patterns that are distinct to men and distinct to women.
I also think that in our society there is a tendency to psychologize everything. I think we have more dimensions than that and, as powerful as psychology is, it ain’t everything. I do think there is a reality to the body, a reality to gender, and a reality to the fact that we are actually animals.
I think it is a much cleaner reality than psychology.
Not one to throw the baby out with the bath water I think it is important that we have many points from which to orient so we have a greater possibility of discovering truth, psychology being one of many point - gender being one of many points - body chemistry being one of many points - you get the picture.
Comments like yours help me get a fuller picture than I would have on my own and I very much appreciate your voice and perspective. THANK YOU so much for taking the time to share such a thoughtful and insightful post. You have obviously done “your work” and live with a lot of self-awareness.
Comment from J.G. McGlothern
Time May 14, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Sadee,
Many times I have thought it much easier to be friends with men than with woman for the reasons you stated. Women can be more competive on the surface but I think what is really happening is low self esteem at work. I love how men sometimes just don’t give a rat’s ass and women do….opposites…balance we need both.
Comment from Steve Fisk
Time May 26, 2009 at 7:06 am
Trust. Oh yeah!
Comment from Erik
Time May 12, 2009 at 2:42 am
I like your post. Thanks for sharing. I sent it to my wife. You may have a new fan!