too big to fitIs the world big enough for the authentic you? In other words, are you playing smaller than you really are to fit in?

My whole life I have had a very distinct sense of belonging in the bigger scheme of things but never quite fitting in with humans. It’s an odd sensation. And I realized that I feel humans don’t fit very well with the bigger scheme of things, so I have felt that people are the “odd man out” of the cosmos.

This sense has made me feel outside of human reality in some ways. And that has actually been a kind of blessing. Because this perspective allows me to see people from a different lens. I have room for the animal and the not-knowing and the gorgeous shine and the gloriously awkward and awesome dimensionality of folks. I am intensely curious about how people are beautiful, not whether or not they are. And I am very curious as to how we will connect, not whether or not we will.

One of the things I’ve noticed in my years of working with humans is that the majority of people who come see me hold back their full expression. It’s a condition where people seem to believe that there isn’t room for the fullness of who they are in the world. Whether it’s playing a role at work or not asking for what they like sexually, a lot of limiting goes on.

And today I would like to explore and challenge this a bit.

The gist of it is this:

When we hold back who we are, our fullness, we reinforce the smallness of the world and of each other.

Years ago I had an astrologer tell me that I had been brutally persecuted in many past lives for my gifts and that this is why I hold back being fully who I am – I’m terrified of being killed, again. Now whether or not this is true, I have no way of knowing such a thing. But I’ll tell you, it sure resonated with me.

And I think a lot of us have a sense of this impending persecution if we are fully who we are. After all, we live in a society that has a brutal habit of harming people who are different. I’ve been treated ridiculously just because I have blonde hair. Imagine if I walked around publicly letting my freak flag fly!

There are messages all around us that support, or seemingly demand, that we conform, that we are the same, that we fit a certain ideal, that there are limited versions of how it is okay to be a person.

I’d like to suggest that we have more power in this condition than we realize and that we needn’t do anything so terrifying as jump into the weirdo pool, unless that’s real for you.

I’ve come to understand that it’s not that we, as a society, have intolerance for difference per se, it’s that we, as a society, have a limited capacity for authenticity.

Just being real, being honest, connected at a heart level, is fairly uncommon.

And without adequate immersion in authenticity, people cannot develop the skills necessary to be real, to communicate honestly and effectively. This means we get into all kinds of downward spirals with one another as we attempt to navigate the space of being real human beings from the surface.

So if you do or say or appear as something that I am uncomfortable with or disoriented by or distrusting of, the authentic thing to do would be to address this by asking the questions I need to ask to get clear about what is really going on as well as to reveal to you the truth of my experience. In this way you get to know me, I get to know you, and we co-create whatever we choose to, or not, depending on what we discover through the process of being real.

But, instead, we generally navigate from the surface and use surface-speak and never really get to the reality of what’s going on. This is where drama comes from. And polarity. And where all the hidden assumptions live that run the show.

So we never get into reality with one another, we simply take for granted that we have connected or haven’t based on how we interpret what we perceive rather than based on anything more substantive, more real.

When we encounter someone whose presenting dimension, say spiked hair and a rainbow tattoo on their cheek and talking really loud, is not something we are familiar with, we have both limited space and limited skill to connect. From the surface it might be difficult to imagine we have anything in common or anything to share. Or we might imagine that this person will be just what we are looking for and presume all kinds of things about them we think are cool – either way, they aren’t being seen, just judged.

If we lived authentically, what we gained from being real, from being dimensional, and getting lots of experience with these things (in a different society this would be the norm so please make the leap with me) would mean that we know that people are always, always, more/different than they seem and it would mean we could actually handle that because we had a lifetime of experience with it.

Most people, I’ve concluded through 40+ years of observation and research, do not know how to be real with one another and rely on cues that indicate either similarity or difference that rarely actually reveal the truth of similarity or difference.

I seem to get along best with people who are fairly “odd” by conventional standards but I neither wear nor do things that would tip these people off that I’m “one of them” so I go largely ignored by people I feel most comfortable with.

Everyone makes assumptions based on such limited factors. Our society is plagued by a lack of curiosity, imagination, and capacity for the true dimensionality that lives in most people.

I think that being present, being real, is what grows our capacity for both the dimensionality in others and grows our curiosity.

So the power I think each one of us has is not so much in letting your freak flag fly, in letting out the “real you” or having an in-your-face attitude (again, unless that’s authentic for you), but in living from a place of honesty and transparency about the truth of your experience in the present moment with whomever you are sharing it with (even if that person is just you).

It takes practice, but when we show up in connection this way, it’s truthful and truth is very, very powerful, not only in that it stimulates the truth in others, but also in that it grows our ability to see and feel and experience beyond our preconceived notions and limits. THIS is what creates the conditions for there being room for each of us to be as big or as dimensional as we are.

We need to stop hiding and we need to stop pretending other people can’t handle our truth and we need to do this by accepting full responsibility for growing our skillfulness at being authentic, including getting the tools we need to do so. After all, no one is born with a User Manual so there is some figuring out and practicing that needs to happen for most of us. So in the same way we work to make room for others, we must also make room for ourselves to become the person who can be real.

I just see a chain reaction that surfaces from this core inability to be real and I think a lot of bullshit and loneliness and prejudice would be ameliorated if we would focus on becoming people who can be authentic no matter who we are with.

In this way we become living invitations and examples of being truly dimensional people where who we are, with our preferences and proclivities, is not nearly as captivating, or distracting, as the heart that gives life to our particular version of being human. 

I hope this makes sense. I’ve not discussed this before, much less written about it. So thanks for making space for that.

Have a beautiful day.

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3 Responses to Is the world big enough for the authentic you?

  1. Michelle says:

    Well said. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. Having been on a journey of self discovery and embarking on school and a new career at the age of 46, makes you take a step back and look at life and how you are living it. I try to be authentic, but I definitely find there are many times, perhaps too many, that I conform to what others think I should or want me to be. I think back to my late teens and early 20’s when I was on my own and not having to be responsible for anyone else and that was probably when I was my most authentic. Now as a parent, a wife, a co-worker, I find that I have been burying my true self for too long, and it’s become bothersome.
    You’ve definitely given me something more to think about.

  2. Melanie says:

    Beautifully articulated, Sadee. This is my favorite of yours yet, I think. But that could just be because I’m personally starting to live this issue for myself. Either way, I LOVE it! I LOVE you! Just recently I am basically in love with everybody (which is awesome by the way).

    Keep it up, sista!

  3. scott smith says:

    Here is a little perspective I wanted to share.

    Her Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes, he came to bed. But I still felt like he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don’t know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    His Diary:
    Motorcycle won’t start. Can’t figure out why.

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