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Heartbroken?

by Sadee on October 6, 2013

I recently experienced something I could call heartbreaking.

The kind of thing that makes you ask big questions and search the inner-cosmos for answers, for explanations. You know, the “what does this mean?” or “why did this happen?” soul-searing kind of bewilderment questions.

I woke up crying. Then went on Facebook. And like manna from heaven there was my friend Jenny Gwinn McGlothern’s post of the day on her Mama Needs A Refill page:

I woke up angry and a little bitter today. I know why. And instead of choosing to feel guilty about this resentment I am going to ask my feelings to be my teachers. To guide me. We often are told that anger is a bad thing. I don’t agree. Anger is not a positive thing when our anger turns outward and hurts others of course. Our feelings pop up to lead us to the next place. So maybe I will think of this anger as a friend and I will take her hand and I will invite her to dance in the mystery with me.

What feeling did you wake up with today? Are you willing to dance in the mystery with her? What will you learn from her?

I woke up heartbroken. And in the invitation to dance with the mystery of my feelings I began to let go of my need to understand them.

Rather than desperately try and divine meaning, I reached out to two friends and shared what was going on. Both showed up so lovingly.

I am now here, in a place of stillness, seeing my need to understand as my own limited capacity to allow life to happen.

My pain is a reflection of my fear – fear I won’t find the love that is mine, a partner. Fear that I am invisible in some way to….the Universe? God? Luck?

As I dance with the mystery of my feeling, she reveals to me the vast expanse of space within. She reveals the resources my heart has accumulated over these four decades. She reveals that love is at the source of this whole thing – my heart breaking open, not apart.

I feel myself returning to center. There is freedom, surprising freedom, in letting go of the need to understand – of releasing the need to cling to meaning like some sort of raft in an uncertain and dark ocean.

As I step into this spaciousness, I also let go of the need for a certain kind of future. It is surprisingly scary to do this.

But I am able to, not because of my own strength, but because I have people in my life that love me if I let them. And I always will.

So much of my gripping and pain has been a singular focus on one person being in my life in a particular way. When I expand I see that I can be filled by so many kinds of love.

My little fear mind is still poking at me, wanting attention. But my heart has taken hold of this moment.

Gratitude for the love that caused the heartbreak fills me and I feel nothing but the gift of him – like a vast treasury with endless gems to discover.

I choose love over fear. I choose space for life over the need to reduce it to something understandable. I choose to dance.

6 comments

Sadee, This is beautiful. You heard a nugget and broke open your own wisdom from it. Thank you so much for acknowledging my post here but most of all thank you for being you, for being one who embraces life. I love you Sadee Whip.

by Jenny McGlothern on 10/06/2013 at 12:29 pm. Reply #

Amen.

by R on 10/06/2013 at 12:56 pm. Reply #

your willingness to let your heart break open
to be a portal inwards
is to epitomize Love’s Intelligence.
Which you do. epitomize. And express.
In SPADES.
(And if you look closely at the suit of spades, we see they are just the suit of hearts in disguise)…
And that which the universe is pointing towards releasing for you, a belief in a certain kind of love, IS heartbreaking. My heart also breaks from this realization, this mystery, this aching dance. Breaking. And yet. Cracking us open to the next layer. To encompass more in the Portal of Heart.

I like you Sadee Whip. Plus you have a cool name. And a courageous heart.

from my heart to yours, Sarabi

by Sarabi Berti on 10/06/2013 at 5:01 pm. Reply #

Sadee, your words always move me and this time they also speak to me so closely and give me a special gift. I will also try and dance with the mystery of my own feelings. I needed this idea and advice exactly at this time. Thank you for sharing your experience and for always putting it all out there, Sadee. You are a gift and I treasure knowing you. ~Melanie

by Melanie on 10/06/2013 at 8:04 pm. Reply #

Sounds like you already made it through the parts with the highest challenge, and it’s a matter of settling into your healing from here. Rather like a broken bone you got up the gumption to set. I have sent a request to a pretty amazing friend of mine who has been stashing articles and research on the neurobiology of heartbreak for years, as a pet project. I’ll forward you what she sends me. It’s likely to be a good complement to the pdf you found the other day. At the very least, here is something that will validate your experience and thus help its healing. Sending affection. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/220427.php

by Doug Barrett on 10/06/2013 at 9:01 pm. Reply #

Sadee this is so beautiful and so true and I choose to dance too! Thank you.

by Donatella on 10/07/2013 at 9:03 am. Reply #

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