I am getting a beautiful gift wrapped in a big ole ass kicking. And I actually asked for it! (But I didn’t realize I was asking for it. ) Bonus: Along with the gift wrapped in the ass kicking also came an epiphany.
You may have heard me say that the Law of Attraction serves the Law of Love. Many people teach that the Law of Attraction is a master law. I disagree. It always, always, serves love. And depending on your level of awareness, your vibration, it can absolutely not feel like that.
The Law of Attraction is simply this: like attracts like.
And what I have learned is that no matter how much you say affirmations or how well you say them, no matter how much emotional energy you put into them, no matter how much you “think right”, you will attract or not attract according to all of your dimensions and various vibrational layers, not just what you are saying and thinking.
This means the wounded little kid in you, whether you are aware of it or not, is also sending out a vibration. It means your inner critic, your internalized parent, your fears, your insecurities, every part of you is sending out a vibration.
And until love is in even your darkest places, you will continue to not manifest what you may be trying very hard to manifest and what you feel and want in your deepest, deepest heart.
The good news is that if you are aware that the Law of Attraction serves the Law of Love you can do a few things:
1) Be aware that the universe is not antagonizing you – that in the hardship there is a gift, an opportunity, for you to find your pain, your fear, and breathe love into it. The hard times are hardest when there are many walls inside of us.
2) Become curious about what the opportunity is. This means facing yourself, honestly.
3) Know that when you call out to the Universe, the Universe responds, not how you think it should, but how you need it to. And it comes in softly at first and then gets louder and louder and louder until you can hear it. Some of us, myself included, can be pretty deaf.
I am currently in a situation that has illuminated for me the deep lack of self-worth I have carried my whole life. It was much worse when I was young but had become hidden through time and maturity and only peeked out on occasion, making me think I had “progressed”.
The reality is that the wound was just as dark as ever but I had grown my ability to make room for it, to accommodate it, more gracefully. And I mistook this for healing. I understand now it was actually adaptation.
So the shit hit the fan these last 30 days – like a strategic enemy attack bombarding me with a relentless shower of fear and heart ache.
It basically instigated a mid-life crisis of sorts.
And after much deep breathing and prayer and centering, the gift began to show itself.
What I realized is that I have called out repeatedly to the Universe for some things in my life. Mainly my true love.
And all the places in me that were not in vibrational alignment with that true love coming to me, the Universe stepped in and pushed on, hard, so I could see it. And everything surfaced – all of my wounds, my issues with men, my feelings of rejection and abandonment, my anger, my doubt, my shame, my loneliness – just surfaced like flotsam after a plane crashes into the ocean. I was splayed out.
And as I began to recognize these pieces of myself, a light came into my mind and I understood why I attracted every single man I have. Why they were never ready for me, why they ccouldn’t commit, why they married the next girl they were with, why they tell me how much they grew and how much they learned and why they are better men for having known me as they walk on their new path without me.
And it made me understand in a very real, non-intellectual way, why so many of us are not attracting what our hearts desire and why the Law of Attraction stuff that is being taught is ripping people off – of time, of energy, of effort, of hope.
The Law of Attraction requires a great deal more of us to “work” than magic words. It requires courage and diligence and a radical cultivating of self-love. And it requires we not doubt when the Universe steps in and kicks our ass good and hard.
I have known that the Universe has been very gentle with me. And this time around, after I had a big talk with God about how sick I am of the same old crap, the same themes, the same issues, it came in with the big guns and blew the doors off my self-ignorance. It stripped me down and hit me where it hurt and that was when I was FINALLY able to see that I have been the one limiting the Universe and it has been trying to help me this whole time.
And it makes me not (or less, depending on when you catch me) angry at the external factors that contributed because I see that it has all simply been life resonating with my vibration.
I have extraordinarily fabulous moments, too, and that is also life resonating with my vibration. I was just not able to see my blind spots and did not realize exactly how big an impact the dark and scared places in me have on the reality I create.
I have gotten better and better over the years of diving into, instead of running, from pain. And I am so grateful to the person that I am that I have cultivated whatever I have that allowed me to stand and face this round of fire so that I could finally see. I have worked on myself, it seems, since I was a kid. I have been chipping away at my weirdness, my suffering, trying to understand being human with as much grace and grit and as I can muster. And it has paid off. Many times. But this time feels like the big prize.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still scared. And I am struggling at times to surf this well. But there’s a learning curve to life and I have space for myself to learn as I go, as uncomfortable as that is.
My heart pounds faster as I wonder what the Universe is getting me ready for. And I feel a sense of being deeply loved.
And I am still really scared.
(ever notice how “scared” and “sacred” are different depending on how you “c”?)
Love to you all. And fierce courage to everyone getting their asses kicked and their hearts opened – let it rip through you, it’s worth every drop of blood.